Fake news site Buzzfeed just published a fake news story that is so fake, it’s not even fake news. “It’s just fake,” as Kellyanne Conway put it. The editor of Buzzfeed himself says he has “serious reason to doubt the allegations in it,” but he published it anyway because this is “how we see the job of reporters in 2017.” So, the role of reporters is to just barf out whatever anyone throws at them? The dossier implicates the president-elect in everything from being a stooge for the Russian government to demanding women pee on him. It’s written like a prank from our side to lampoon how gullible and biased their side is. It’s also a good jumping-off point to discuss 10 other myths about our next president.
(1) TRUMP IS AN ADMITTED SEXUAL PREDATOR
Jesus LORD in heaven above am I sick of talking about a private conversation two guys had in a bus 11 years ago. I’m honestly stunned this devoured so much of the presidential election. It’s completely irrelevant, but if you really want to get into the nitty-gritty of the whole thing, it’s the opposite of sexist. That’s right. Trump was marveling at what groupies let you get away with and saying it’s crazy. It’s the same as the time he said he could “shoot somebody” in the middle of Fifth Avenue and get away with it. The tone was “Can you believe this shit? These women will basically let you do anything.” Megyn Kelly said he “grabbed women against their will.” This is a lie. He said, “They let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
The real problem here is that people revile Trump so much they can’t imagine women adore him as much as, say, Elvis, who kissed whoever he wanted whenever he wanted. Sorry, libs, money and power are a bigger aphrodisiac than being a “feminist ally.”
(2) TRUMP MOCKED A HANDICAPPED REPORTER
Are you as frustrated by these myths as I am? Why would anyone on earth brag about randomly grabbing women by the vagina? Why would anyone mock a handicapped reporter? Insulting someone just because they’re handicapped is something you might do when you’re 7 years old and then deeply regret it when you’re 8. Meryl Streep won a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes and dedicated her entire speech to criticizing Trump for making fun of a crippled reporter. He wasn’t. He was making the same flustered gesture he makes to mimic everyone he sees as flustered. Video of him doing this to everyone is very easy to dig up (I made one too), but that doesn’t stop the likes of The Washington Post from claiming our “assertions are not supported by video evidence.”
(3) TRUMP’S BANKRUPTCIES PROVE HE’S A BAD BUSINESSMAN
This is yet another example of people who have never tried something judging those who have actually done it. I’ve been an entrepreneur my whole life. You’re pretty much looking at 12 failures for every successful venture. When you run hundreds of businesses, bankruptcies are an inevitability.
Also, lots of companies took advantage of bankruptcy laws in the 1990s. This was a problem with the system and its roots are in government intervention. It’s like the real estate collapse. Yes, Wall Streeters took advantage of the collapse, but that money was just sitting on the floor. It was sitting there because big government decided every black and Hispanic person in the country deserved a mortgage.
(4) TRUMP’S A HYPOCRITE BECAUSE CHINA MANUFACTURED HIS TIES
The same answer applies to this question. When everyone is cheating, to play by the rules is to lose. I made action figures for my old company many years ago and was determined to make them in America. I quickly learned this wouldn’t just make them expensive, it would make them so expensive we couldn’t do the project. That’s the world we are living in. It’s not a fantasy and it’s not based on what you would like to happen. Trump wants to get us to the point where we don’t have to outsource manufacturing to stay not just competitive, but in business.
(5) TRUMP’S INHERITANCE WOULD HAVE MADE MORE MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET
Again, these are broke people scoffing at a businessman who made billions. Trump got $40 million in equity when his father died and today he’s worth $3.7 billion. Getting a million dollars and not blowing it all is an accomplishment. Look at lottery winners or retired athletes. According to economist Matt Palumbo, if Trump invested $40M in the market, today he would have $1.91 billion after tax. This assumes dozens of variables against Trump including the assumption he could liquidate his inheritance. At any rate, even when we throw liberals a bone with this hypothetical scenario he ends up almost $2 billion poorer.
(6) HE SAID “MEXICANS ARE RAPISTS”
A fun game to play with liberals is to demand, “What exact sentence did this person say that is factually incorrect?” He never said all Mexicans are rapists. He said, “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best.… They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” His point was that a disproportionate number of the illegals who cross the border are rapists. I’d say 80% is a fairly disproportionate number. The age of consent there is 12. They’re certainly not NOT rapists.
(7) TRUMP WILL OVERTURN ROE V. WADE AND GAY MARRIAGE
I have no idea where this comes from, but abortion is pretty much the only thing I can get women to cite as a reason they chose Hillary over him. They seem to think he’s going to shut down Planned Parenthood and make abortions completely impossible in America despite absolutely zero evidence or any quote that even implies that.
The gays say the same thing about gay marriage, and when pressed for evidence, they say Mike Pence wants gays to be electrocuted. Trump has never implied he wants to do anything about gay marriage. His exact words were “It’s done.” Also, Pence never pushed for electroshock therapy for gays. His website once implied AIDS money should be redirected to “those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” Incidentally, if you got AIDS at a circuit party on meth after having sex nonstop for 36 hours, change your sexual behavior.
(8) TRUMP IS A BIGOT
Trump is the opposite of a bigot. He is Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, a loud, obnoxious blowhard who wants to party with anyone and everyone, right now. In fact, that’s what the old-money bigots hate about him. His country clubs refuse to cater to the elitism that defines most clubs. If you’re black or Jewish or a weird immigrant grocer but you’ve got the money to join, come on in.
Trump’s exposure to blacks has been the employed family men he worked with on job sites and the educated elites he’s worked with in business. He’s never lived near the ghetto. If anything, his life experience with blacks is abnormally positive. In other words, he likes them more than reality does.
As for Jews, all his adult kids are having sex with a Jew right now. His businesses are crammed to the ceiling with Chosen Ones. How can Jews not get this? I think their obsession with Nazis has been going on for so long, they’ve brainwashed themselves into being petrified of anyone who seems Aryan and alpha, even when the guy is on their side.
Do I need to include gays in this list? Sorry, LGBTQ, Trump doesn’t have a stance on you. He doesn’t care about you. Actually, we’re all pretty bored of you, to be honest. We’re not homophobes, we’re homoboreds.
(9) TRUMP WANTS TO DEPORT MUSLIMS
My reaction to most of these myths is “I wish.” Trump never said one thing about deporting Muslims. He didn’t even suggest a database of Muslims living in America. That was a reporter’s idea.
All Trump said was he’d like to have a “shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.” This was during a time of unprecedented attacks on America, France, Britain, and Canada. Almost without fail, when we learn about these Muslim terrorists, we discover they spent time in a Muslim country being further radicalized and trained to better attack us. Would have been nice if we caught them on the way in or the way back in.
Of course, this idea—and it was an idea, not a dictum—gets morphed into an America where Muslims are randomly picked up off the street and thrown in a van. Indian millionaires like Aziz Ansari can moan that Trump makes him scared for his family and The New York Times bawls their eyes out.
(10) TRUMP’S WALL WON’T HAPPEN BECAUSE MEXICO SAID SO
Ex-president Vicente Fox keeps telling us he’s “not going to pay for that fucking wall,” like anyone asked him. Dude, you haven’t been president for over a decade, shut up. Nobody asked you or Enrique what you think of our plan.
We spend $58 billion more on Mexican goods than they spend on us. If a restaurant were making that much money off of you, you could ask for a seat by the window. You could also ask for a wall. Add to that the estimated $100 billion illegals cost us and coming down hard on immigration becomes very profitable. That’s more than enough for the $8–10 billion the wall will cost. Barack wasted that on Obamacare alone.
There are problems with Trump. I’m not nuts about him hiring his son-in-law and I don’t get why he’s making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings. However, the left is too lazy to dig up anything valid so they stick to drama-club myths that make great headlines. This might have been effective if we hadn’t all figured out that the mainstream media is #FakeNews. Lie all you want about the president-elect, we’re no longer listening.