Ummmm, spoiler alert? I guess?
The great suspense surrounding the The New Celebrity Apprentice — whose new host is walking catchphrase Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Genisys) — was what catchphrase he’d use while terminating people.
Apparently the show’s executive producers decided that “You’re fired” had worn thin, and a lot of people thought “You’re terminated” would be it. Ha! Hollywood is more creative than that, come on guys.
Schwarzenegger, who’s from the alternate universe where celebrity politicians are quirky, ratcheted up the suspense during his opening address to the new contestants:
I am the new boss. And I plan to be tough but fair. … My job is to terminate you, one by one, to decide who is the Celebrity Apprentice.
What could this pop culture juggernaut of a catchphrase be? This level of Celebrity Apprentice mystique was truly “unpresidented.”
There was a competition.
But before we get to the termination ceremony, we have to play the game. Our first teams have been arbitrarily decided … and it will be … men vs. women! A battle of the sexes! A perfect metaphor for 1973.
There was a long sequence of some kind of makeup contest featuring The New Celebrity Apprentice contestants such as Boy George, YouTuber Carrie Keagan, Jon Lovitz, Snookie, real housewife Kyle Richards and a dozen other interchangeably famous people.
After fast-forwarding through all that stuff, finally it’s firing ceremony time!
Schwarzenegger and his new sprouts of swept-back orange hair asked some questions of the panelists about their shoot projects. After scolding Lovitz for calling him “Arnold” instead of “Governor,” Schwarzenegger declared flatly: “The men’s team won!”
The men were thrilled.
Eric Dickerson, Chael Sonnen, Vince Neil, Ricky Williams, John Lovitz, Carson Kressley, Matt Iseman and Boy George are winners.
Project manager Boy George won $50,000 — at least twice that episode’s craft services budget — for his charity. Then the women, who lost the challenge about selling makeup, sat in for the firing ceremony.
Schwarzenegger was being catchphrase-coy while addressing Keagan and entertainment news correspondent Porsha Williams, the women’s project manager.
“You were Porsha’s assistant,” he said to Keagan. “Should she bring you back? … if she has to bring back to people, who should she bring be back, if you shouldn’t be brought back? [several minutes of unintelligible crosstalk] So are these the two you will be bringing back? … Give me now two names that you want to bring back.”
Tension mounted based on some heightened music cues. Then Porsha decided: “I would bring back Carrie, and I would have to bring back, um, Nicole (Snooki).”
“OK,” Schwarzenegger said. “You three will come back. The rest of you go back to your war room and enjoy yourself.”
Porsha, Snooki and Carrie were brought back for the final firing. After some garbled talk about taking risks, Schwarzenegger made his call:
“Carrie,” he said. “You’re terminated.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
To which he added, “Now … get to the choppa!”
YES!
And then Carrie went to the choppa, and she won’t be back.
Since this was a two-hour season premiere, there was a second challenge to fast-forward through, this one involving a chewing-gum brand.
The men win again!
As the women went to the boardroom for a second time, there was still hope that Schwarzenegger would bring the whole franchise crashing down in apocalyptic flames with, “Your clothes! Give them to me! Now!”
But it wasn’t meant to be. Instead, Schwarzenegger picked on Carnie Wilson for failing to bring the obvious weak link, real housewife Kyle Richards, back for the firing ceremony.
“Therefore Carnie, you’re terminated,” Schwarzenegger said.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
To which he added, “Hasta la vista. Baby.”
Yes!
The governor apparently forgot to tell Wilson to go to the choppa, which was remedied when she said it herself: “Fine, I’ll go to the choppa!”
And she won’t be back.
